Peter Pan Syndrome

I'm done teaching and now am on summer break. If anything, this gives me some time to catch my breath, think, and blog a little bit. I haven't written since last December, but I think I need to take this time to reflect on this whole year. I feel as though I have had a gradual change in my attitude over the last year. By nature I have always been very bubbly, optimistic, and happy. When I think about my attitude now, however, I don't see that anymore. It makes me sad to realize that, but I have not given up hope that I will get back to my old self soon enough. I think that I owe those who are close to me a little bit of an explanation as to how I believe this came to be. These are not excuses for me being cranky or anything like that... more like me trying to collect my thoughts in writing. I'm hoping it might help me understand what's going on as well.
If I'm being honest, I feel like a completely different person than I was on June 15th of last year. In many ways this past year has been the toughest year of my life (and in other ways it has been the best, but i'll get to that a bit later). No one HUGE thing has made this year any tougher than others, but its been more of a compilation of a lot of things. More than anything, this year has made me grow up more than I ever wanted to. I would have to say that I have always had a touch of "Peter Pan Syndrome." I'm the kind of person who appreciates the simplicity, safety, and wonder of being a child. When I think about Christmas, beach trips, friends, and special family times as a child I remember them with such fondness. I had a few rough times growing up, but generally I was blessed with a wonderful family who went out of their way to give me everything I ever wanted and needed. Who wants to grow up if you have all of those things as a child? Not me. This past year, however, left me with no choice.
Everyone has a defining time in their life when they transition from a child to an adult. As I said, for me it was not just one thing, but a series of events. My series of events started last summer on a family beach trip. I wont go into too many details, since it involves some personal family issues, but this trip included some arguments that set into motion some major life changes for me. The first major life change was moving out on my own. This was a huge deal for me. In a way it was a catch 22. I had no choice, in my mind, about moving out. It was something that I HAD to do. I couldn't stay in my parent's house anymore. The "catch 22" part of it is that I miss my family. As I said, I had a wonderful childhood. There are still days, though it's been almost a year since I moved out, that I miss my family. By nature I'm not a quiet person. I'm someone who really likes to be around people. So, when I moved out on my own, without a roomate or anyone, it took some adjustments. I haven't talked about it a lot, but it was hard. I spent some nights crying, some night lonely, and some nights wishing that I hadn't done it. Fortunately, those are much fewer and farther between now. Of course, I am getting more used to it every day. I still struggle at times, though. Whether it's being scared to go in by myself at night, or just wanting someone to be there with me, to talk to me.
Along with being in a new house came the obvious-paying bills. I can't think of many things that will make you grow up faster than doing that. I was thrown into budgeting my money to pay rent, telephone, electric, etc. As I mentioned before, the thought of going back home crossed my mind more than a few times. A teacher's salary isn't notoriously high, and doing this on my own made me feel lost and scared. Throw in the things that I WANTED to do and the rising price of gas, and you find out just what you're made of. I've had to reprioritize a lot this past year. No, I can't go out and just buy that shirt I want-- I have to pay rent. No, I can't go get my nails done-- phone bill! No, I can't go to that concert, it's just not gonna happen. The selfish side of me still wants to whine about not getting what I want, but the mature side of me is slowly but surely trying to take over and reassure me that it will all be ok. Well, iust as I got move into my house in August of last year and started paying the bills, my other obstacle came along.
In early August of last year I walked into my first day of teaching second grade. Little did I know what awaited me. In all fairness to those close to me, I did not talk about how difficult this teaching year was for me. I suppose it was because I figured that everyone else had their own problems and didn't need to hear about all of mine. Teaching second grade tested me beyond what I thought I could handle. Many days I woke up with tears not wanting to go into work. I didn't know what was going to happen that day, but I wasn't sure I could take it. The kids were out of control. Kids were cussing at each other, cussing at me, writing ugly notes, bringing lighters to school, giving out medicine, throwing fits (stomping, screaming, throwing books, throwing themselves against walls, etc.) and so much more. If you weren't sure, yes, this is second grade. Thank goodness that through my ADEPT team I did get some help with managing the class. After that, things were better, but each day was the biggest challenge of my life keeping the kids under control. It was like a time bomb that might go off at any second. I found myself getting tougher than I ever thought I could be. I was mean. Many people say this is a blessing, that's how I need to be. I don't know. All I know is that I haven't ever before been pushed like I was this year.
The final piece of the puzzle to my year of growing up was becoming engaged. Thank goodness this is one that is all good :) I love my fiance more than words can say. He is the joy of my life, even when I don't show it. I'm am more in love than I ever thought I could be! And more than ever I am learning how to put someone else before myself. I don't always do a great job of it, and many times I know I've screwed up as soon as something comes out of my mouth. Now that i've spent so much time writing about the bad, let me talk about the silver linings of this year--

1. The NUMBER ONE silver lining is my relationship with Christ. Through all of this, even when I wouldn't talk to anyone else, I poured my heart out to Christ. When I didn't want to go to work, when I was scared, or when I was sad. He never failed to wrap his arms around me and let me know it was ok. He never failed to show me a verse from the Bible that I needed, or put someone in my path that day to encourage me. Without Him I would be nothing, I would be lost. Praise God that I'm not, and I have such great hope!

2. Another HUGE silver lining, as I mentioned, is my family and friends. I truly have been a "glass half empty" kind of person this past year, and though they didn't deserve that kind of attitude from me, they were always loving and supportive. And as for David, my fiance, I don't know what I would have done without him. Through everything he has been my rock. When I am down, he is there to be positive and loving. When I said things I probably shouldn't have he was quick to forgive and forget. He made me smile and feel love when I needed it the most. I am so blessed to be becoming his wife soon!!

3. My final silver lining is in the work area. Two good things came out of this tough year. One is that I passed ADEPT. ADEPT is the process teachers have to go through before they can be considered a professional, and have a continuing contract as a teacher. I got though it and that is a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Another good thing is that I will be back in a K4 classroom next year. Even though this year was hard, I will be able to take what I learned this year and move forward. I know that next year is going to be a good one.

I am still growing up, but this year has been a huge leap. Next year I will become a wife, and that will bring new challenges. With Christ and with my family and friends the challenges will be met, and I can regain the wonder of a child even as an adult :) I'm still praying, and I appreciate your prayers too! LOVE!